While I’m daunting on my desk

2nd October 2017

Writing never been easy for me, especially (critical) academic writing. As I started my research writing, I struggle a lot. Poor of prior knowledge in the theory just another challenge that slows me down to the speed which I wish I could be ten times faster than I really am. When I wish I could start producing any ideas on paper, a big hole of knowledge needs to be filled first by tons of reading which often intimidate and successfully make me doubt on “will I ever get this done on time ?”.

I had refused taken any holiday if it will cut my work time on this research less than five days a week (I’m grateful due to my scholarship, I don’t need to worry for finding extra money for a living). Even weekend just turned to another weekday of working at home. With those decisions and actions, still couldn’t boost my confidence on where I’m heading and on what I’m working. However, I think I should not wait on confidence, it’s less important than the work hard and actions that I should do. Unfortunately, the work hard of lots of reading even just added another anxiety since the more we learn, the more we realize how little what we’ve known. Literature review is kind a daunting encounter.

The blessing in disguise of this, is doing my research is like experiencing a valley. Feeling little, alone, clueless, run out of energy, idea and hopefully not for hope. A perfect place for surrender and acknowledging God who creates the Universe and Who is the source of wisdom and knowledge. A perfect place to trust ‘when I am weak God strength is in me. When I’m unable God is always able’. Whenever I see a dead end though it’s inside me, He opens the possibility and brings goodness out of me, which may come from nothing.

This kind of time is the best time for hoping and asking heavenly interruption, a time for expecting a breakthrough, here, when I’m on my desk. To enable me to read another paper, to finish one more sentence, to accomplish one more page of my paper, to submit this again, to trust Him again when supervisors asked for minor or major correction for next meeting and be patience until it is done, means encounter everything mentions from beginning to end again and again and again.

Being faithful may hurt, there is a crucifixion of procrastination and distraction (doesn’t mean I never allow myself to have fun, I still can have fun, though not as much as I would love to).

Yet there is beauty in the darkest night where stars shine the brightest. While I’m walking the journey, the star is His cross, His finished work at heart, His faithfulness, His grace and provision in times of needed, even when what I needed is linking words to connect my scattered ideas. Let my heart be willing to carry it joyfully wherever He leads me to.